Goldberry's Waterlilies

Back to School

2006-09-06T00:03:00.000-04:00

Ah, the joys of beginning classes at U-M. I observed a hapless freshman in the Romance Languages office agonizing over the fact that he couldn't get into his class yet. Since the lady at the desk wasn't being very informative, I chimed in with what I learned the hard way last year- you just have to register for a class you don't intend to take; and the first week is always like this. Poor guy. I guess his advisor didn't warn him.

As for me, I am more mellow this year. If the Lord wants me to get into my classes, voila! Otherwise, I'll be stuck working or something... there's a kaleidoscope of different possibilities which I'm not going to stress over, since I should find out next week what's going on. This year there's no form to fill out to get on the waitlist for French, and I can't register even though there are openings. Instead I was instructed by the office to attend each open section to demonstrate that I am interested. Three of the same French class in a row was a little much, but I tried to play the identical Loto game with good humor. The fourth class was with the same teacher as the first one, and she thought it was ridiculous that I was back again- "It's the same class!" Yes indeed, my thoughts exactly. So I just wrote my name down and left.

Arabic will be determined by the placement test on Thursday evening, which just as last year is on the same night as the first Carmelite meeting of the year. :-( I'd like to get into the third-year level, but who knows what will happen, since I jumped the tracks in the midlde of the summer.

Despite the news that tourists were shot in Jordan this weekend, a hop skip and jump from the museum I visited on my own, I'd like to go back. Maybe winter semester, maybe in the summer- we shall see!

The reluctant nephew

2006-06-17T21:51:00.000-04:00

Behold my nephew, Robbie, aged 1 1/2 years. He is really sweet. He also would like me to sign a paper every time he sees me, guaranteeing that he will not be left alone with me, and I will not try to replace my sister. Since I feel this is insulting, he is suspicious of me unless my sister is within view. This dates back to about the second day after his birth. If you know anything about newborn babies, you know that they can hardly focus on anything. I took him into my (loving) arms, and spoke to him. He gazed up at me and then suddenly, stared at me intensely for about 15 seconds, in a kind of hostile way.

Yesterday, though, he did warm up to me a bit. He likes to watch people dance and imitate them, and also be entertained by silly eating performances. I'm afraid this rapport will be destroyed tomorrow when I babysit for him (for the second time ever). Ah well. In a few years he won't even remember how much he feared me. :-) My plan: to drive out fear with fear. If I play scary monster and chase him around the house, he might forget his parents aren't there to protect him!

Home makeover

2006-06-16T21:55:00.000-04:00

My dear little sink unit is about to retire from active life and go to a lonely rest in a dump somewhere. It's about 50 years old, and the porcelain enamel is all worn off the sink, so I can't clean it anymore. The brand is "Beauty Queen," which has given me some laughs. I don't know why, but my landlady chose mauve for the new countertop. Gag-worthy. The previous landlord also decided to put some mauve-toned carpet in the hallway, which almost gave me a stroke. Mauve does not match anything else in the house, and it's going to be horrible with all my primary-colored kitchen stuff, and the cabinets. Oh well. A small penance, I guess. I probably won't notice it after a while. Why, oh why do people make churches with mauvish tile and then plan to put orange stained glass in the windows? Please, no!

I got everything cleared out of the sink unit this afternoon in preparation for the new one; only to find out the custom-ordered counter had the hole cut in the wrong place, so they'll have to wait for a new one. No energy left to move anything back...

Dreams and reality

2006-05-19T23:31:00.000-04:00

I hear that I will be spending July and August in Lebanon and learning Arabic. I've even got the tickets (with my last name spelled wrong). I'll believe it when I see it. ;-)

The outcome of spending most of my time alone, and even the time in class strangely disconnected (most students are chronically reserved), is that the line between daydreams and reality has become strangely blurred. When talking to someone, it's hard to distinguish whether I'm really talking to a person, or just imagining myself having a conversation. I don't feel "seen". Every word I say seems either too considered and over-rehearsed, or woefully gauche. Am I being myself, or just a representation of myself which I produce to please others? Either I am a talking vapor, or the other person is a mirage.

Maybe I'll be paralyzed with shock when I land in Beirut and find myself on streets teeming with people. Maybe the tide will just wash over me; or maybe its human warmth will invigorate and refresh my weary brain.

One thing I do know, is that I am not called to be a hermit! I also do not need a silent retreat. I went on one a few months ago and felt like screaming. Those retreats are definitely designed for people who have a lack of silence the rest of the time.

The main goal before leaving- to finish repainting the rooms in my place. I've got the hallway done (antique white walls and deep red trim) and three walls in the living room. Of course the challenge is living in the rooms and painting them at the same time; however with my brother's help and with dogged persistence, progress has been made. Discouraging trend- yesterday and today I lounged around instead of getting to work. It's not the work itself that's the problem, it's knowing that once I move the furniture, it will be hard to get places until I finish the wall and get it back where it belongs. Tomorrow........

Exercises in Trust

2006-04-04T21:41:00.000-04:00

The past few months have been surprisingly relaxing. French and Arabic have been making their way into my brain, and I have the comforting feeling that I'm no longer a real beginner in either. The scaffolding of grammar and most basic vocabulary is in place, and construction can begin in earnest.

Now the spring and summer are looming, and the options and obstacles are coming thick and fast. The paperwork and logistical feats are really mind-boggling, and I find myself scrambling to submit something one day, and waiting for a week or so (or months) in complete ignorance of my fate. Having an overactive imagination is no help, since I've seen myself in a half a dozen locations doing several different things- and so far nothing has come through.

The greatest relief would be acceptance into a program- a real program that would make me legitimate, worthy of funding and pre-registration. This would just be too easy. I think God is surrounding me with uncertainty to force growth in some areas. If I had other options, it would be easy to blame these circumstances on myself; but since I've been working so hard to try to find something stable and haven't been able to, the hand of "providence" is evident.

Amazingly, I've been through times like this before- but I was so clueless that it didn't bother me. Now that I've matured and become a better planner and realized how important it is to have steady income that meets my daily needs, this is much harder. My trust in God has gone down, and trust in myself and my employment has gone way, way up. Time for a reality check, I guess- my employment is not the source of my livelihood, God is. I haven't starved yet, but it does seem just around the corner so many times! Worse than that is the sense of failure- that I should be able to support myself. But as one friend said, "should" should be taken out of my vocabulary. Do I want to do what everyone else my age is doing, or what God wants for me? The results of this interminable adventure remain to be seen.

New Semester

2006-01-29T16:31:00.000-05:00

This one started full tilt, not with a slow month of introductory material. December was taken up with finals and applying for a Master's degree, and now I'm in the thick of paperwork for summer programs, scholarships and grants. Hopefully by March I will know whether I've been accepted to the M.A. in Arabic program, and then I'll have a clearer idea of what to do during the summer.

Christmas and New Year's were a truly blessed time. I did way too much baking, and tried to distribute most of it to friends and relatives.

I do feel like I am making progress, especially in French (the easier language), but at the same time studying is not so fresh anymore, so it's more of a chore than last semester. I know it is worth it though, and I still spend time online reading Arabic newspapers, etc. My new laptop is equipped with a couple of word processors that handle Arabic well; and I spent way too much time setting everything up on the new computer...

Chapitre 5 is all about food, so I have been eating more vegetables, lots of different cheeses (!) and the occasional croissant.

Fun books that I found on Ebay or Amazon lately: an introduction to the Arabic Ruq'a Script (the usual handwriting) b/c mine is really awkward; some fairy tales in Arabic and French; Le Petit Nicolas et Les Copains; Madeleine & Babar en français; La Bible de Jerusalem... I had searched for the Jerusalem Bible all over, and finally got hold of it at the Amazon.fr site.

There was a "Multicultural Career Fair" at U-M, and I went to take a look. About the only multicultural component was the CIA. They gave me a pin and a pen and told me they were always hiring people who could speak strange languages- some employees just read the news in other languages to find out what other people are saying about the U.S. If working for the government were attractive to me, they would also pay for my education. However, this is something I have to think about seriously. Do I want to work for Uncle Sam? No. Can I afford to pay for my education? No. ...

I am trying to learn to trust God more as each day unfolds as full of uncertainty as the one before.

Now wait a second....! :-(

2005-11-30T22:45:00.000-05:00

What Famous Leader Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

Ok so maybe it does appeal to me... what about it? What do pot smokers have to do with it? Who is Che Guevara anyway? Other people get Einstein, I get Che Guevara. Sheesh...

Arabic continues

2005-11-29T21:55:00.000-05:00

I see that my Arabic 101 post was deleted, probably by me. Oh well, who wants to hear all my outdated angst anyway? :-) We are getting into the meat of things now, things that I didn't know before, which is really nice. It was good to solidify and standardize what I knew, but much more exciting to learn new grammatical structures!!! The best thing is, I can also transfer this knowledge to Lebanese (with some help). I pulled out another Arabic textbook which is great as a grammar reference, and am filling in some weak points of ours with it.

One of the authors of our textbook has some little video clips online with lectures on Arabic and how it's not really that hard to learn. Well, maybe....... Okay, the verb system is regular- every verb is unpredictable! She steered clear of plurals and the things that really do make the language hard. I'll probably be convinced of how amazingly easy it is to learn after I've known it for 15 years, too. :-) Reminds me of the person who told me that once I learned one Semitic language, the rest would be easy. Yes, it's learning that first one that's the killer!

Anyway, French is also getting more complicated, and my piles of flashcards are growing and growing. It's taken me a while to get into the swing of being in school, and now my timing with flashcards and homework is improving some. The first oral exam was pretty funny- I was delighted that my answers were so concise and to the point; but my grade suffered because I didn't talk enough! No oral exams in Arabic; we do skits instead.

Axis of Evil

2005-11-13T23:17:00.000-05:00

I am now the gleeful possessor of several *really cool* books about Arabic. Top find: an English-Arabic dictionary of the Levantine dialect I've been learning for the past couple of years. So much better than asking someone for each word... I even found a reference grammar for the same dialect!!! Dialect heaven (except we are missing the Arabic-English half of the dictionary...).

Another great book is "Using Arabic". This covers the different levels of formality, and how they differ in grammar, vocab, etc. Best of all- the dialect used for all the vocabulary examples is Levantine! Yes!!!!!!

The other day my long-awaited copy of "The Top 1,000 Words for Understanding Media Arabic" arrived. This is a really cool little book. I have wasted a lot of time trying to find words I heard on the radio in the dictionary, with a really low success rate. Yes, I was looking forward to learning words for "journalist", "high-level sources" and "to refute, deny, repudiate", in addition to all the names of organizations. What is the point of listening to Arabic news if you don't even know what their take on terrorists and hostages are, because you don't know the words for them?

Thumbing through in the most geeky way, planning which words to memorize first, I suddenly saw, "Axis of Evil". Goodness. The thought of someone coining an Arabic phrase for this really had me ROTFL!!! I suppose it was necessary. In such an evil world, it's a good thing some of us are still "optimists".

BTW, I can now say, "Elementary, my dear Watson" in Arabic.

The GRE

2005-10-26T23:50:00.000-04:00

Now that I've plunged back into academe, I decided I should take the GRE. Actually, quite a few programs require it... Anyway, the thought of it has haunted me for years, so it was a good thing I didn't really have time to think about it before taking it. A week of intensive math review prepared me to answer a few simple questions. (I can recommend some sites for practicing addition, subtraction and multiplication.)

The attitudinous test supervisor almost derailed me before I even began the test. However, conquering those violent and primal instincts, I settled into the really annoying routine. Most frustrating is trying to avoid all the lengthy and unnecessary directions. Yes, I believe I can click on the correct answer to select it, then click 'Next' to continue. I am even capable of figuring out which words fit into a sentence without three paragraphs of instructions. At least the MadLib-like humor of the wrong answers provides some relief.

Then in the quantitative section, the agony of knowing near the end that I won't have enough time to think about the remaining questions. I can't see them all, so I can't pick out the easier ones and finish them off- I simply have to stress over each one. No, I will not practice my math skills by dividing the number of minutes left by the number of questions left- I will focus on the problem at hand! They couldn't give questions with only one skill at a time either, each one had to involve two or three of the techniques I'd been cramming. I felt exactly the way I felt doing math in high school (the last time I tried)- really tense and unable to concentrate. It must be the flight instinct- when you know you're losing the battle, it's better just to run!

Now, I just took a look at a document that helps you analyze your scores. Unsurprisingly, my quantitative score was lower than the mean of almost any group listed. :-( Oh well, it would have been a *lot* worse if I hadn't studied! Actually, though, the most striking fact about the score statistics was that in both quantitative and verbal, those entering education scored significantly lower than anyone else. This scared me. :-0 What does it say about the future of our nation's schools?!? Then I ran into this interesting article: http://www.educationnews.org/gre-scores-of-school-administrators.htm.

You can also calculate your IQ based on your GRE scores. Disappointing to find out that my IQ is lower because I'm not good at math, but they can think whatever they like! I'm not a calculator, after all! :-) As long as I stick to verbal subjects, I come across pretty well... ;-)

Arabic 101

2005-10-02T22:09:00.000-04:00

Out of the Woods

2005-10-02T21:45:00.000-04:00

After a month of craziness and living on the edge, life has become more normal. The homework load seems strangely light now that I am no longer spending every spare minute trying to sort out my class schedule and finances. Not to say that everything is settled, but two or three problems at a time is okay...

Our French textbook has a multicultural focus, and has been feeding us beaucoup information about Quebec. Did you know that the Quebecois say, "Bonjour, hi!" when meeting someone new? Then the other person can choose which language to continue in!

New lifesaving device: a computer desk. Bought at Walmart for a reasonable price, and assembled with two days of exhausting yet satisfying effort, it is a beauty. I had waited for an hour to bring the box in from the car, knowing it was too heavy and hoping someone could help me. Finally I pushed it out and walked it in, corner by corner (it was flat). It almost pulled me over a couple of times, but eventually I triumphed. The person who had lifted it off the shelf at Walmart told me flatly,"It's not heavy." A little miffed, I responded, "It's all a matter of perspective." He didn't see the humor at all. Never mind that he was about twice my size and burly, and I was somewhat lighter than the desk.

On day two, with the mostly done desk filling all the floor space in my living room, it was time to stand it upright. I almost despaired. I could have gotten it up- but I would have destroyed some other furniture in the process. There was no one nearby who could help me. On top of that, I had a massage appointment in a few hours, and needed to clean everything up. My client could hardly be expected to step over the desk and onto a bag of screws to get through.

At that moment, the phone rang. It was my father. "We're in your neighborhood, and we've packed up that possible computer desk for you," he informed me. I hadn't considered that desk since I'd already bought one. I told him that I already had one, and it was mostly put together, but if he could come and help me get it upright, that would be great. "Sure, your brother-in-law and I will be there in less than 5 minutes!" What a Godsend... St. Thérese, advocate of the little and the weak, must have been praying for me on her feast day.

The desk holds my computer, printer, books, CDs, flashcard boxes... and it even looks nice. I am so thankful. Now my printer doesn't have to be unplugged every time I'm done using it. I can listen to the materials on the computer and write in a workbook at the same time. The phone is even nearby. This will change my life...

A World Away

2005-09-15T23:15:00.000-04:00

Listening to the President's speech about Hurricane Katrina, and reading other people's blogs about how they are involved and helping... It all just reminds me that I have nothing to give. No money, no energy, hardly even the brain power to think about it. The same as it has been in all the other disasters in recent years, except even more so! All I can offer is to share in the suffering somehow, and to pray.

Half Dead

2005-09-11T22:31:00.000-04:00

Yes, I survived the past week, not by any merits of my own. I thought things were pretty well laid out: I would attend my classes, attempt to get in, and then register. It was only made clear to me recently that my loan funds would not appear until I was registered. This was a problem. So after I attended both my classes, and knew it would be at least a week until I could register for them, if ever, it was time for Plan B.

There was no Plan B, which stressed me out a little. Actually, my Plan B was shot down a while ago and not replaced. So, Plan C.

Ideas and worries ran through my head while I was eating, praying, trying to sleep. What to do, what to do... Aha! If I couldn't register for the classes I needed, the next best thing would be to register for the requisite number of credits, but in classes I didn't want! I scoured the catalog for remotely related courses, and settled on Peoples of the Middle East and an Art History class on Islamic Art. They had open spots, so I registered. Of course now that I was registered, I would have to attend the classes so that I wouldn't fail them if I had to keep them. Argh! The last thing I needed was to be attending four classes instead of two. And naturally, I couldn't buy the books for any of them until I was sure I could use them, so I couldn't do the homework for the language classes. I could feel all the frustration settling into my lungs.

Meanwhile I was getting familiar with the bus route to and from campus, and with the location of the different buildings. I managed to ride my bike to campus, then left it there so I could pick it up at the bus stop. Once, I tried using the bike rack on the bus, but the driver was not happy when he had to show me how to use the rack, then lift the bike onto it, since I was too feeble to do it. Definitely not an experience to repeat.

Then, marvelously, my loan funds had been disbursed! But wait... why was I receiving such a pittance? Oh yes, my residency hadn't come through yet. Never mind that I have hardly left this state, and have struggled through so many winters here. Never mind the hours I put in in Michigan elementary and high schools, and all the different jobs I've had, all of them in Michigan. Not to mention all the rent... Because I went to college in Ohio, lots of paperwork had to be filled out, and it hasn't been processed yet, so the class fees alone ate up almost all of the money.

I was really worried about getting into the French & Arabic classes. So, I went to see the head of the Arabic department to ask what my chances were. The teacher of the section I wanted happened to be meeting with him, and she immediately said, "Oh, that's my section! Yes, you can join." That was great, but my confidence was still lacking. Prof. R., the head of the department, asked whether I had studied Arabic before. "Yes... but just independently." I would have to take a proficiency test. When? On Thursday evening, at the same time as the monthly Carmelite meeting. How much more annoying could this week get? I certainly didn't want to miss the beginning of my new formation year. Was the test offered at any other time? No, it was only offered once a year. I wondered whether I really needed to take it. "This test is for everybody, not just for first year, for fourth year... we want to know what your level of proficiency is. ... Or maybe you don't want to study Arabic??" Oh fine, fine, of *course* I want to study Arabic... I was annoyed, he was annoyed.

Now I had a new set of worries. If I actually did pass out of the first level of Arabic, I would have to keep one of those other classes for sure, because 102 is not offered till next semester. On the other hand, Peoples of the Middle East and Islamic Art were pretty darn interesting. Maybe I should just keep those classes anyway... No! A struggle ensued.

Finally, late Friday afternoon, I found out that I was into both classes. I only got 18% on the proficiency test (the first one I've been thrilled to fail), and there was room for me in French as well. Time to thank and praise the Lord, whom I had been trying to trust all week long. I convinced myself that I would not have time to do the homework for Islamic art (or Islamicate art, as the professor prefers), but compromised by buying the books and coursepack so I could do the reading on my own... Hehe... sneaky. Actually registering was not so simple, since each time I clicked on the link, a blank page appeared, though sometimes if I used the back arrow, what I needed would show up!

After all this, it was annoying to watch myself getting concerned about the formation of each individual letter in my Arabic alphabet workbook. Amazing how a letter can stress you out when you've written it many times before. "Okay, just a hair to the right here... what if she thinks this looks too much like a 'j'?" Just *relax*, would you?

Today a cold is creeping up on me. Echinacea tea, immune defense orange juice with grapefruit seed extract, and a hot bath were in order. For once, the bath filled in less than 45 minutes, and the water was actually hot! Hallelujah!!!

Bored & Crazy

2005-09-04T17:23:00.000-04:00

The other day I went to visit my grandfather in the nursing home where he spends most of the day dozing or wondering what he should really be doing, as he tells me. He does get out of bed into his wheelchair for meals, which he promptly forgets he ate as soon as the tray is removed.

Usually he talks about nothing much, or tells me little stories about his dogs and how he met my grandmother.

This time, however, he expounded upon the idea that he knew there was something else he should be doing, but he couldn't figure out what it was. I said, "That's because you're not supposed to be doing anything! You're retired!"

"That's why I kill old ladies," he said.

I laughed. There were certainly enough of them around in the nursing home, but there's no way he could have done such a thing even if he wanted to.

"Grandpa, you must be really bored!"

"What, to think up stuff like this?"

"Yes."

"Well, it's no worse than some of the people who come to visit me. Some of them are just crazy!"

"Like me?"

"Yeah."

"What's so crazy about me?"

"You came here!"

Ugarit

2005-09-04T16:20:00.000-04:00

Last week I was pondering my situation before I went to sleep, trying not to think too hard about getting into my classes.

Before I woke up I had a vivid dream: it was the first day of classes, and I was anxious to appear and convince the professors that I should be included. First was the Arabic class. I showed up a little early (what a relief), and then gathered around the dimly lit and dusty table with the other serious scholars who, I thought, wanted to begin learning Modern Standard Arabic. Soon it became evident that the class was not what it was billed to be. The discussion was enthusiastic, but the professor and other students were rhapsodizing about their previous experiences together in classes studying Ugarit. By now they were all proficient Ugarit scholars, and would much rather spend this class time discussing ancient texts they were all familiar with. My angst mushroomed as I realized that none of these texts were in Arabic, they were all in Ugarit. I didn't want to learn Ugarit, and it was a waste of time to listen to other people discuss it. They informed me that the actual title of this class was "Ancient Arab Lifestyles," but they planned to disregard this. I almost despaired as I thought: is this the class that was really supposed to be Arabic 101, or is that meeting someplace else, and am I missing it??

That afternoon I tried to relax with a friend in my living room. We chatted while I mended a shirt. Meanwhile her husband arrived. He made his way to the bathroom, and I heard the shower begin running! As I was preparing to tie off the loose ends on the shirt, it hit me that I was supposed to be at the French class. In a panic, I looked at the schedule and saw that the class was meeting on a bridge between two places which I couldn't identify. I didn't have time to figure it out, I would just have to guess. As I explained everything to my friend, the ceiling began to pour water, but I didn't have time to handle this problem, and left her there.

I biked to the first bridge I could think of, and when I crossed it, saw a small group gathered on the grass. Mysteriously, even though it was past 9 p.m., there was still daylight. The serene, blonde professor said sweetly, "We are just getting started now, since we have several people arriving late!" Practically fainting with relief, I joined them.

The next morning, driving to my good-bye party for the job I just left, I apparently went through a stop sign by mistake, one that I stopped at every morning on my way to work. Obviously I wasn't paying attention, or I also would have seen the police car waiting to stop me. My first moving violation, after more than 10 years driving... the last thing I needed. On top of the dream, it just seemed like the last straw. Still waiting for things to get brighter...

Thoughts on nothing

2005-09-03T22:49:00.000-04:00

Of course the only time when I would think of starting (or re-starting) a blog is when I have a little too much time on my hands. What to talk about- all the things on my mind are so off-putting!

I want to chronicle my plunge back into the world of school, replacing predictable work routines with classes and study. Will I be able to get into those classes? How much time will I have to spend studying? Will I find that as soon as I'm in an Arabic class, my desire to learn the language evaporates? At this moment it's at a low ebb.

I'm overwhelmed, I've been inundated with paperwork, practical details and stressful changes. Never in my life have I had trouble breathing unless I was sick; now I seem to have developed asthma! One more thing to deal with. It's hard to imagine memorizing vocabulary when I'm lightheaded and weak.

Non-degree status is definitely the pits. Not only am I not able to sign up for classes till they start; I am not eligible for federal loans, and the private loan I got can't be disbursed till after I register! Since I left my job to return to school, I will be in a lot of trouble if I can't register...

The blogs I started before were filled with my fantastical musings on different phenomena; now my life is so dramatic that I don't feel very fanciful. I would just like to have the next week over with, and know where I stand. If everything else could have just kept calm while I was going through this transition, it would have been so nice. However, it was not to be.