Dreams and reality

I hear that I will be spending July and August in Lebanon and learning Arabic. I've even got the tickets (with my last name spelled wrong). I'll believe it when I see it. ;-)

The outcome of spending most of my time alone, and even the time in class strangely disconnected (most students are chronically reserved), is that the line between daydreams and reality has become strangely blurred. When talking to someone, it's hard to distinguish whether I'm really talking to a person, or just imagining myself having a conversation. I don't feel "seen". Every word I say seems either too considered and over-rehearsed, or woefully gauche. Am I being myself, or just a representation of myself which I produce to please others? Either I am a talking vapor, or the other person is a mirage.

Maybe I'll be paralyzed with shock when I land in Beirut and find myself on streets teeming with people. Maybe the tide will just wash over me; or maybe its human warmth will invigorate and refresh my weary brain.

One thing I do know, is that I am not called to be a hermit! I also do not need a silent retreat. I went on one a few months ago and felt like screaming. Those retreats are definitely designed for people who have a lack of silence the rest of the time.

The main goal before leaving- to finish repainting the rooms in my place. I've got the hallway done (antique white walls and deep red trim) and three walls in the living room. Of course the challenge is living in the rooms and painting them at the same time; however with my brother's help and with dogged persistence, progress has been made. Discouraging trend- yesterday and today I lounged around instead of getting to work. It's not the work itself that's the problem, it's knowing that once I move the furniture, it will be hard to get places until I finish the wall and get it back where it belongs. Tomorrow........