Exercises in Trust

The past few months have been surprisingly relaxing. French and Arabic have been making their way into my brain, and I have the comforting feeling that I'm no longer a real beginner in either. The scaffolding of grammar and most basic vocabulary is in place, and construction can begin in earnest.

Now the spring and summer are looming, and the options and obstacles are coming thick and fast. The paperwork and logistical feats are really mind-boggling, and I find myself scrambling to submit something one day, and waiting for a week or so (or months) in complete ignorance of my fate. Having an overactive imagination is no help, since I've seen myself in a half a dozen locations doing several different things- and so far nothing has come through.

The greatest relief would be acceptance into a program- a real program that would make me legitimate, worthy of funding and pre-registration. This would just be too easy. I think God is surrounding me with uncertainty to force growth in some areas. If I had other options, it would be easy to blame these circumstances on myself; but since I've been working so hard to try to find something stable and haven't been able to, the hand of "providence" is evident.

Amazingly, I've been through times like this before- but I was so clueless that it didn't bother me. Now that I've matured and become a better planner and realized how important it is to have steady income that meets my daily needs, this is much harder. My trust in God has gone down, and trust in myself and my employment has gone way, way up. Time for a reality check, I guess- my employment is not the source of my livelihood, God is. I haven't starved yet, but it does seem just around the corner so many times! Worse than that is the sense of failure- that I should be able to support myself. But as one friend said, "should" should be taken out of my vocabulary. Do I want to do what everyone else my age is doing, or what God wants for me? The results of this interminable adventure remain to be seen.